“Watch as poor eyesight magically erases wrinkles, bad hearing shuts out annoying moans and complaints, and a bad hip casually makes a speed-walking partner finally slow enough to hold hands with.”

Being in a long-term relationship doesn’t always come easy. You put in a lot of work year-round to keep things sailing smoothly, and that includes the little bits of help that seem to come your way every now and again. Not familiar with them? You should be giving thanks, because day in and day out these silly, little things might just be making all the difference.

By Jarrod Thalheimer


When it comes to technology, caller ID may be laughably old news but that doesn’t mean it’s not one of the single, best inventions ever created for keeping couples together. The simple act

of knowing exactly who is calling (and when) quite literally erases any guesswork when it comes to modern communication. That might not seem like much, but when you only have enough battery to answer one call, guess who it’s gonna be? Even then, if you still decide to dust off your lover for a fantasy sports app, at least knowing who it was gives you mucho warning to prepare an excuse. We love you, caller ID!


Double incomes and busy schedules more or less put a bullet through the ’s ideal of Lil’ Wifey in the kitchen making dinner. Still, all that really happened is the so-called traditional duties surrounding daily meal prep got chopped up and shared around between all involved. This is why take-out is so glorious. Only in a hyper-kinetic world like ours could a spouse get full kudos for spending five whole minutes buying, unwrapping, and then laying out a pre-cooked meal. That relationship goodwill can be purchased so cost-effectively is truly a modern miracle.


Yes, we all spend big bucks on gyms, clinics, supplements, and more, waging an endless
battle to slow the advance of old age. But why? Aging is actually one of the best ways ever to keep a relationship rock solid – and it’s all- natural! Watch as poor eyesight magically erases wrinkles, bad hearing shuts out annoying moans and complaints, and a bad hip casually makes a speed-walking partner finally slow enough to hold hands with. Mother Nature knows a thing or two!


That large, wood rectangle does far more than you think it does. Not only can it provide enforced privacy when required, but it routinely hides away the foulest, most embarrassing activities we as humans get up to. Remember back when you were first dating how carefully you guarded what went on behind that door? No reason to stop now. It locked things down back then. Let it do the same today. Give thanks for the bathroom door. It works.


Nothing beats good, solid friends who belong to you and you alone. Long-term relationships mean lots of “us” and “we” – and that’s great, but so is having someone in your corner who only clicks for you. “Couple friends” can

get confusing, especially when the pressures of life take a spike. Just like having the best attorney ever on retainer is important, a friend who exists only for you is a must – no matter what case is pending before the court.


Facing the same person year after year means you’re going to come across at least a few habits or characteristics that are downright crazy. Thankfully, having the word “quirky” available allows one to bundle up such unsettling horrors within a package of explanation far more plausible to the cocktail circuit. Sure, it’s funny and cute when she freaks out over a little bug, but screaming irrationally, throwing things, and running for cover whenever a bird flies within cubic yards demands something stronger. “uirky” it is!


Granted, having a steady relationship is what guarantees them in the first place, but in-laws are still something to be thankful for. Don’t think so? Well, does your partner chew with his mouth open? Not nearly as much as his father does. Is your sweetheart a tad passive-aggressive at times? She’s got nothing on her mother. Anytime you make a pilgrimage and visit the source of your long-time love’s idiosyncrasies you get to come away with a whole new appreciation for the version you shacked up with.


Many a relationship has split in two over control of the television. Do you even remember the bad old days when only one TV show could be watched at once? How about the dawn of videotape recorders? Fumbling around with poor quality tapes, missed start times, and wrong channels recorded? Thanks to a non-judgemental hard drive that hunts, records, and saves, digital PVRs will ensure relationship harmony even within a universe of a million channels.


Noisy, smelly, and frustrating are just some of the adjectives related to the rearing of children. Don’t get me wrong – the gifts kids provide are many – but when it comes to keeping you two together forever, nothing beats the brats as common enemy . Just try to fight with each other when your snotty little son is having a tantrum by stuffing broccoli down his shorts. How about not laughing together as your daughter lies her butt off in the face of video proof? Spousal arguments of almost any kind are nearly impossible when kids double-down on the idiot-card. Be thankful for this developmental (and hopefully transitional) stupidity. It builds love – for you both.


Don’t take this the wrong way, but death is actually the greatest part about being in a long-term relationship. When you’re single, the biggest fear bouncing around your psyche is the possibility that you might somehow die alone without anyone knowing or caring. Well, guess what? Now that you’re in a long-term relationship, that little nugget of concern is officially dead and buried (sorry had to do it!). That means you can be secure and happy in the knowledge that you are loved, appreciated, and no longer alone and officially free to die whenever. How awesome is that

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