By Jarrod Thalheimer
Admit it – anytime you find yourself surrounded by a group of couples, you can’t help assessing the pairings and making relationship judgments.
Who’s the loose wheel of these two?
He is such a jerk – how does she even stand him?
It’s obvious she runs things between them.
Doing this is not only perfectly natural, it’s necessary. If you can successfully identify the issues in someone else’s relationship, you just might have a shot at making sense of your own. And determining who the loose wheel is can be fairly difficult, especially when you’re knee-deep in the drudgery of life.
Luckily, Love in the City is so deeply committed to your personal happiness that we have devised an ingenious (and totally accurate) quiz to calculate just how valuable that carbon unit you share a bed with really is. So grab a pen, and let’s officially rate your mate.
SCENARIO #1 – THE VOMIT POPPIT
It’s 3 a.m. and your youngest child is sick, moaning, and throwing up all over the place. Your mate…
- is awake and working right alongside you, helping to clean (and calm) your injured angel. 10 POINTS
- rolls over, asks if you need any help, but goes back to sleep when you say things are under control. 7 POINTS
- remains sound asleep, completely oblivious to any trouble or issues whatsoever. 4 POINTS
- pretends to be asleep even though you know she’s not. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #2 – REFRIGERATOR MADNESS
Today was shopping day, but you just couldn’t get to the store. Your mate…
- takes the list, picks up everything you usually get, and even adds a few surprises to make you smile. 10 POINTS
- agrees to go to the store, gets most of the things on your list, but can’t help impulse-buying all sorts of things you never would. 7 POINTS
- complains about having to shop and suggests you both eat out instead. 4 POINTS
- mopes about having to go out, forgets the list, and comes home with four bags of chips, two sub sandwiches, and a party-sized case of beer with a “free” T-shirt inside. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #3 – STRANGER DANGER
You’re walking together late at night when a strange guy steps out from the shadows a few paces behind you. Your mate…
- calmly takes your hand and puts himself between you and the stranger while heading for a better lit and much more populated area. 10 POINTS
- is immediately ready to fight, yelling at the guy, “Hey! What’s up with you?” 7 POINTS
- starts to panic, hyperventilate, and grip your hand so tightly that you start trying to get away from him. 4 POINTS
- screams, “RUN!” and then takes off, leaving you to chase after him down the street. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #4 – THE EXILED WILD CHILD
You are called to school to discuss a behavioral problem concerning your child. Your mate…
- stays neutral, asking specific and probing questions while maintaining a solid determination to speak privately to the child before any decisions are made. 10 POINTS
- defends the child in the face of criticism and suggests the teachers are at fault. 7 POINTS
- flies off the handle and accuses the administration of race-based profiling because of his Irish-Catholic background. 4 POINTS
- begins commiserating with the principal, adding several complaints of his own. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #5 – INVADING IN-LAW
Surprise! Your mother is on her way to visit and your apartment looks like a crime scene. Your mate…
- helps clean up and pull things back together in the nick of time, even scoring a nice bunch of flowers for your mom. 10 POINTS
- says, “Who cares what she thinks?” but agrees to take all the blame for the mess when she arrives. 7 POINTS
- can’t resist pointing out that your mother will finally see what a terrible housekeeper you are. 4 POINTS
- offers to help but then leaves ‘cause it’s maple syrup shooter night at the Canadian bar down the street. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #6 – PASSED GAS
Your car runs out of gas and you’re not close to anything. Your mate…
- hurries out to save you, but only after grabbing the dry cleaning you were trying to pick up before the store closed. 10 POINTS
- calls AAA to rescue you while he arranges getting the kids from school. 7 POINTS
- picks you up quickly but then proceeds to lecture you for 20 minutes about the importance of constantly checking the gas gauge in the car. 4 POINTS
- suggests you get an Uber because the game is on and his pizza is hot. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #7 – A HARD DAY’S NIGHT
You had the worst day ever at work. Your mate…
- encourages you to enjoy a nice bath and glass of wine while he makes dinner for you both. 10 POINTS
- suggests some helpful ways to deal at work while admitting that bad days sometimes happen. 7 POINTS
- listens just long enough to hijack the conversation and begin offering tales from her own bad day at work. 4 POINTS
- falls asleep while you’re talking. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #8 – EYES ON THE PRIZE
You win four tickets to see your favorite band of all time. Your mate…
- is as giddy as you are, suggesting you invite some close friends along to make it even more fun. 10 POINTS
- is happy to go but seems more excited at the opportunity to sell two of the four tickets for some extra cash. 7 POINTS
- chronicles how the band was never her favorite but insists on going even as she complains all the way there. 4 POINTS
- waits until you’re in the shower before trying to trade the tickets for something else he wants to see more. 1 POINT
SCENARIO #9 – RING AROUND THE TOWN
You just realized you lost your wedding ring. Your mate…
- helps tear the city apart looking for it, which includes going through the garbage at the samosa joint you love. 10 POINTS
- gives you his class ring from high school to wear “until we can find the other one.” 7 POINTS
- high-fives you as he dials the insurance company, saying, “Finally – now I can get some of that money back!” 4 POINTS
- tells you to quit worrying because it was just a cubic zirconia anyway. 1 POINT
80-90 GOLD Do not complain about this person – ever!
55-79 SILVER Life is good. How much more perfect do you need it?
25-54 BRONZE May benefit from counseling, threats of divorce, or a smack upside the head.
9-24 M.I.A. Dead from the neck up – consider a change.