By Jarrod Thalheimer
It’s been a pretty weird half-century for men. The Sixties really spun the blender on guys. These days we can barely discern which end is up. Opinions on our existential worth to women have gone from the classical “steady and dependable” to a more modern, decidedly slingshot scale that tags us anywhere from “ornamental” (NYT columnist, Maureen Dowd) to “desperately needed” (proto-feminist author, Camille Paglia). It’s no wonder we’re clueless as to what women want.
So, as a public service to those in the stand-and-pee crowd (and the women they love), here are 10 things men think their women like but they really, really don’t. Pass these on to the men in your lives for their own good – and yours. You can thank me later.
1 – A Guy Who Shares His “Softer” Side
Nope. The ladies are about done with your softer side. They listened to you detail your failings and your uncertainties and even held you tight as you confessed your deepest fears. I can credibly report that they have officially had enough! The sooner guys get back to burying their various insecurities deep, the better off we’ll all be. Bars and buddies exist for a reason. Newsflash, Jocko: Women have their own feminine side – they don’t need to see yours, ever.
2 – A Guy Who Asks for Directions
It might sound good in principle but this is 2014, Big Shot. Things change. A dude stopping to ask for directions is either offering proof that he’s seriously unprepared for life or just stupid. In a world of smartphones, GPS and Mapquest printouts, how hard is it to plan the trip in advance? Get a clue and plan ahead – before she replaces you with someone who will.
3 – An Obsessive Groomer
Of course she wants you to brush your teeth, comb your hair and shower regularly, but can you please drop the unendingly narcissistic mirror routine? Here’s a simple rule: If you have more beauty products than she does, you’re overdoing it. In fact, if you have more grooming products than what fits on the top half of the toilet tank, you’re overdoing it. She’s the pretty one – not you, Sport.
4 – Open-mindedness
This is a trope desperately in need of destruction. A totally open mind holds nothing, so any guy who can’t lock down a whole mess of opinions becomes a definite liability – especially in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Couldn’t happen? Look who has the closed mind now!
5 – No More Showing Off
I know she says the guy showing off looks silly and juvenile but think back to when she first agreed to go out with you. Exactly. Showing off was just fine back then, and it remains so today. You might think you’re being the mature one but she’s still staring at the guy doing push-ups in the crosswalk. All little girls like the boy that stands out. Be that guy. Showing off is your job.
6 – A Guy Who Cooks
OK, so you’re Jamie Oliver in the kitchen but why stop with that? Learn to sew too. And maybe scrapbook. How about ironing and decorating? Massage? Keep it up, Chowder-head, and you’ll confirm exactly what she thinks: “This guy doesn’t need me.” Stick to sandwiches and maybe a steak or two. A guy who can do it all will do it all – alone.
7 – Being Mr. Understanding
Are you f%$#*g kidding me? Women don’t understand themselves. Play this game too long and you’re asking for trouble. Listen and nod your head. Make eye contact but say nothing at all. Hug her when she’s done. That’s all you need. Do any more and you’ll probably get it wrong anyway. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
8 – Knowing When to Quit
It should go without saying that a man who knows his limitations is a waste of time. What moron admits he’s knows jack about fixing cars or parades his various inadequacies for all to see? Shut up about what you can’t do and never, ever give up. That’s what guys used to be known for!
9 – Being Careful
Look, no one is asking you to strap on a body rocket and shoot yourself over the Grand Canyon Evel Knievel style, but you have got to lose the “Captain Safety” routine. You are a guy. Fences are made to be climbed and trails are meant to be left because safety is for the timid. Sometimes a guy just needs to push through whether he has a helmet on or not.
10 – Crying
Okay, squeeze out a tear during “Field of Dreams” or that speech from “Rocky Balboa” if you must, but stop blubbering over some “Grey’s Anatomy” moment or the long-wait for women’s suffrage. You are a guy. Act like it. Once upon a time our dads told us not to cry (even when we got hit in the nuts). Crying is for quitters; see #8.