Love in the City: The Kid Calculation

They’re everywhere. Most are jumping around, laughing, and playing happily. Others are busy crying or whining and making a scene. A special few even dedicate themselves to carrying on like meth-addled prison inmates bent on destruction, chaos, and escape.

Kids, I mean.

Now, for whatever reason, you’re having major baby pangs these days. Is it the “ticking clock?” A fear of being left behind—or worse, alone? Now we wouldn’t purport you can settle a question as serious as this with a magazine quiz, but there’s no reason you can’t get a few clues from BELLA to point the way forward.

Circle the number most appropriate to you, then total your score and check the results.

How crucial to your psychological well-being is having pressed, stain-free clothes at all times?

Not that much    1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Very

How badly do you need 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night?

Not that much   1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10   Very

When pre-arranged plans constantly change, do find yourself getting stressed?

Not that much   1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Very

How would you rate your level of personal insecurity?

Low   1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  High

How comfortable are you holding or being in a position of authority and/or intense responsibility without knowing exactly what you’re doing?

Fine   1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10   Terrified

How important is “me time” for your personal sanity?

Not that much  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Very

How easily do you make room for other people’s ideas, thoughts, beliefs, or needs in your day-to-day life?

No problem   1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Never

Do you enjoy shopping for, assembling, or playing with children’s toys and accessories?

Love it  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Hate it

How easily do you embarrass in public?

Rarely   1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10   Always

How often do you criticize other parents about their methods of discipline?

Never  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Always

Do you think you are smarter than most people?

Not really  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Absolutely

Do you believe the world would be better off with more people like you in it?

Yes  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  No

When you see kids misbehaving, do you smile or cringe?

Smile 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Cringe

Rate the importance of having totally unrestricted personal freedom within your daily life:

Not a big deal 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Critical

How important is the ability to curse loudly (and creatively) within your daily life?

Not really  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Heck, yeah!

How well do you cope with mistakes?

Easily 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 With great difficulty

How well do you cope with others’ mistakes?

Easily 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 With great difficulty

How often do you consider the feelings or needs of others when you make personal decisions?

Always  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Never

Do you see sex as the path to children, or sex as generally ruined by having children?

Path to… 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Ruined by…

How important is regular, exotic travel to your life?

Not really 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Very

Do you desire more or less intensity in your daily life?

More  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Less

Do the actions of other people keep you from attaining happiness?

No  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Yes

Is parenthood a goal to be achieved or the consolation prize for failure at your chosen career?

Goal  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10  Consolation

When viewing other parents, do you see them as having “given up” on their dreams in order to raise children?

No 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Yes

Does spontaneity excite or horrify you?

Excite 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Horrify

Do you prefer to be invisible in life or the center of attention?

Invisible 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Center of attention

Do you consider families with children an integral part of society or the major problem with society?

Integral 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Problem

Would you consider yourself a low- or high-maintenance person?

Low 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 High

Does the idea of seeing and/or being forced to deal with bodily fluids disgust you?

Not that much 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Totally

Did you enjoy your own childhood?

Loved it 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 Could not end fast enough

RESULTS

30 – 60: A score like this suggests you either have an unrealistic, head-in-the-clouds view about children and parenthood, or you may be hitting the Chardonnay a bit too hard and need help. Whatever the case, it’s time to stop watching reruns of “Full House” and/or binging on “Fuller House,” and try babysitting some actual children. Note: Keep 911 pre-dialed in your smartphone at all times.

61 – 180: You know that life is a never-ending stream of ups and downs mixed with lessons from learning new things. You’re not too hung up on day-to-day mistakes or trying to make things perfect at all times. There’s more than enough room for kids in your life; having a family will only improve your journey going forward.

180 – 269: You’re not specifically against kids, and you haven’t made any clear decisions about your future just yet. Maybe it’s time to start looking for the person you want to have a family with and see if they can soften you up a little. You’ve got an edge that will need a little filing before you consider adding a child or two to the adventure that is you.

270 – 300: Based on a result like this, you probably shouldn’t even be in a relationship, let alone considering children. It sounds like you’re arrogant, selfish —to put it nicely—focused exclusively on yourself. You may even be devoid of human empathy. If that’s the case, don’t even get a dog. Start with a plant, and see if you can work your way up from there.

By Jarrod Thalheimer

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